Essie: Final Examinations

November 15, 2023

Dear Diary,

Feels like my decision to step back and examine why I was so drawn to Marcus was a good one. I’ve nearly filled the small journal I bought to reflect on the experience, and the clarity I’m finding is like the morning air this time of year— it stings a little but leaves you feeling more aware, eyes open.

I decided to share some of my reflections with Pastor Wilson. She called my journaling exercise a "relationship autopsy", which made sense in terms of examining what killed the connection and why, in order to prevent the same “disease” from “infecting” future relationships.

One of the most illuminating insights? It wasn't just the coincidences that captivated me about Marcus. It was those coupled with how he made me feel seen. From that very first conversation at the conference reception when he referenced our committee report, I felt recognized for my thoughts and for my contributions— not just as a side note in someone else's narrative, which is how I often felt with Damon.

Marcus truly listened when I spoke. He remembered details. He asked follow-up questions about things I'd mentioned weeks earlier. That attention soothed me like water when I hadn’t even realized I was thirsty.

But here's what I glossed over: how carefully he controlled our time together. How each date was on his terms, his schedule. How I never met any of his friends. How conversations about his past always somehow redirected to mine, especially when I called out minor discrepancies. He'd deflect certain questions with charm rather than substance. I mistook control for initiative and mystery for depth.

When I shared these things with Jess, she nodded knowingly. "Classic love bombing," she said. "He used his charisma and attentiveness to distract you from digging into his bullshit."

"But those chance meetings," I’d initially protested. "The coffee shop, the church— what are the odds?" She shrugged. "Baton Rouge isn't that big, Essie. There’re probably plenty of people from your church who also stop in at that spot. I mean, it is a megachurch, and that coffee shop has a great vibe. Plus, social media makes it pretty easy to ‘chance’ a meeting with someone if you're motivated enough."

The thought that what felt like divine intervention could have been calculated manipulation still unsettles me. But whether those meetings were genuine coincidences or engineered encounters doesn't change the basic truth: I assigned them meaning they didn't deserve.

Pastor Wilson helped me see that, too. "God doesn't bypass our discernment," she reminded me during our meeting. "He enhances it. Real divine guidance brings clarity, not confusion. It confirms what your spirit already knows, not what your loneliness wants to believe."

Those words struck so deep I had to fight back tears.

I've also been looking at my relationship with Damon more honestly. For years, I've told myself— and everyone else— that he was emotionally unavailable, that he couldn't commit, that he wasn't ready for the future I wanted. All true. But, now I’m wondering if I stuck with him partly because of those limitations. His emotional distance meant I didn’t have to be fully vulnerable. His commitment issues gave me something to focus on besides my own fears of intimacy and abandonment. His unreadiness became my excuse for overlooking the unready parts of myself.

With Marcus, I thought I had chosen differently. But he was also unavailable in more ways than one. It’s just that his control and deception created a different kind of distance— one I couldn't name at the time but that I felt in moments of unease and chose to ignore.

Ruth called yesterday. "Still doing your hermit thing?" she teased. "Brandon was just at the barber shop. He’s out there looking all fresh and clean…Jess says he's a good guy!"

"I'm not ready," I told her.

"But—" she began.

"No," I interrupted, surprising us both with my firmness. "There’s more I need to process from this Marcus thing. If Brandon’s really a good guy, he should be able to understand and respect that I’m not ready yet. If he’s got any common sense, he should appreciate my saying it.”

The silence on her end lasted so long I thought we'd been disconnected. Then, softly: "I'm proud of you, Es." WTH? That was undeniably a mysterious and miraculous move of God, LOL! “Thank you, Ru,” I smiled into the phone.

The truth is, I'm proud of myself too. Not just for walking away from Marcus but for staying away— he still occasionally sends a “hey you” text even though I don't respond and should probably block his number. But, I’ve not let loneliness override wisdom. I’m doing the uncomfortable work of self-examination rather than giving in to the comfort of attention.

Last week, I saw him in Whole Foods; it was our first encounter since the breakup. My heart and brain lurched in the opposite direction, but my feet stuck to the floor, so I couldn’t disappear before he approached with that smile of his.

"Essie," he said, smile and eyes becoming puppy-doggish. "I've missed you."

A month ago, this might have undone me. But, coming full-circle with him then, I felt something new: compassion without compromise. "I hope things work out with your divorce," I said calmly. "And with Nylah. She deserves stability."

I could tell neither of us had expected me to bring up reality so directly. Ester winked and smiled from a corner of my mind.

"They are. Working out, I mean," he said quickly. "The papers are nearly finalized. Maybe we could talk sometime? I'd like to explain everything properly."

We held eye contact briefly. "There's nothing left to explain, Marcus. I wish you well, but my stance hasn't changed." 

Walking away from him in that moment felt like completing the last day of a particularly difficult class— a prerequisite I never wanted to take but learned from deeply nonetheless.

…

Speaking of classes, I've started taking a creative writing class on Tuesday evenings, and last week, the instructor said my piece had "genuine emotional resonance"! I've also joined the church's community outreach committee. As it turns out, I have a knack for project management that extends beyond my day job.

I’m discovering that it definitely takes more than just time to heal wounds; for me, it's also been about allowing joy and light to enter in new ways. My new pursuits aren't replacements for a relationship; they're investments in myself, and I think they will make me less likely to settle before the right person comes along.

Because I do believe someone will. And I’ll have been busy becoming the kind of person who knows what to do with authentic connection when it appears. I won’t just be sitting around waiting for it or, worse, searching for it in all the wrong people.

Jess and Ru are definitely fans of Brandon, and maybe someday I'll be curious enough to see if there's something there. But not yet. 

For now, I'm content to be my own project— to understand my patterns, strengthen my discernment, and know my boundaries going into a situation. I’ve accepted that this thing with Marcus wasn’t some divine love story. But it did teach me some essential things about myself that I might never have learned otherwise.

I don’t fully understand God’s ways, but I’m grateful that blessings of wisdom and growth can come together even as the things we thought we wanted fall apart.

Until next time,

Essie

This concludes Essie's diary, the first offering from our interactive storytelling project, The Struggle Love Diaries.

Thank you for reading and participating with us!

Catch up if you missed part one ("What Are the Odds?"), two ("All Kinds of Shadows"), or three ("Technical Truths") of Essie's story!

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