The Counterintuitivity of Radical Acceptance

"Okay" is a word we often say casually and without a ton of thought. Most times, that's because what we're okaying or describing is something we feel positive or, maybe, neutral about. But sometimes – no matter how much we've prayed, planned, and prepared; no matter how much good karma we've been banking – life hands us situations we didn't ask for and do not want to manage. Not only is this disappointing and frustrating, but we might also judge it as unfair, unnecessary, and just plain NOT OKAY.

You've probably heard the phrase, "It's okay to not be okay." I love this oxymoron because of what it's doing to normalize mental health challenges and because it highlights the option of acceptance.

"'It's okay to not be okay'...highlights the option of acceptance."

If you've been in my circles for a while, then you know I appreciate the clarity that defining a word can bring. When I searched Google for a definition of "acceptance", Oxford Languages came through with the following: "the act of agreeing to or being willing to receive something." Going back to the idea of life giving us lemons when making lemonade is nowhere on our to-do list, it makes sense that many of us recoil at the concept of acceptance.

However, the definition also included that "in a psychological context, acceptance can mean taking a stance of non-judgmental awareness and embracing the experience of thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations." This is a type of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance is not the same as approving of or agreeing with negatively impactful situations; it is not passive resignation. We are not sweeping things under a rug; it is not denial or self-deception. This type of acceptance can actually be a bridge from suffering to resolution. Making peace with difficult circumstances can create mental space for engaging with multiple perspectives, tapping into effective problem-solving and communication skills, and utilizing support systems.

I am currently practicing radical acceptance in response to a disagreement with a long-time friend. Neither of us is entirely sure how we got to a place of disagreement, but we've both been able to say, "Okay, we're here. It's confusing, and it hurts." We also acknowledge that we are uncertain how to move forward or if we will be able to do so ("Okay, this could be an impasse, and that will hurt even more."). Because we've communicated directly, sat with one another's perspectives, and also welcomed accountability and feedback from a mutual friend, I hope that we will both be better able to say "okay" to whatever is the outcome – even if it is not an outcome we expected or desired.

If you have realized that there is an unwanted situation you are avoiding or resisting, here are some questions to consider with radical acceptance in mind:

• What judgments have I placed on this situation?
• How might an objective observer describe the situation?
• What have I tried that has not helped?
• Have I communicated openly and assertively?
• Might feedback from trusted others be appropriate and helpful?

Need more support embracing or applying this concept? If you live in the states of Louisiana, Texas, or Washington, let's talk.