Not Everyone Is a "Narcissist"

But plenty of people are out here behaving like one...

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day 2025

June 1st, 2025, is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD). Narcissistic abuse is a type of psychological abuse, and like other forms of psychological and emotional abuse, it can somehow happen in plain sight and yet, remain hidden– even from the ones experiencing it.

Because of this invisibility, WNADD serves several very important needs: it validates the experiences of survivors; educates the public about psychological abuse, increasing awareness and revealing opportunities for advocacy; and fosters a sense of community among those who have lived through similar experiences.

For survivors, being seen in this way can mark a turning point in their healing journeys– one where isolation gives way to connection, and confusion transforms into clarity. If that seems as significant to you as it does to me, send some loving and kind thoughts of gratitude to Bree Bonchay, the licensed clinical social worker who established WNADD in 2016.

Let's get into some of the complexities of narcissistic abuse and explore the journey toward healing.

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse: Beyond the Buzzwords

In recent years, everyone has become a "narcissist" who is "gaslighting" everyone else. While having these words enter mainstream vocabulary has helped public understanding, these terms are often overused, misused, or oversimplified.

The Multifaceted Nature of Narcissistic Abuse

A "narcissist" is not just someone who wants to be the center of attention, behaves rudely, or has a tendency to say harsh things– these are examples of how mainstream use of the term has hindered public understanding. Used in this offhand way, the implication is often that one who behaves in those ways might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). But NPD is an official mental health diagnosis, requiring a person to meet numerous criteria. So, while that casual label could be accurate, according to estimates from the American Psychiatric Association, only about one to two percent of people in the United States actually has the personality disorder.

I got a little technical above for context and clarity, but let's not be misled by the low prevalence of the disorder, itself. A person need not have the full-blown personality disorder for their attitudes and behavioral tendencies to wreak havoc and cause trauma in a relational experience!

Plenty of partners, parents, children, friends, and employees are experiencing what would be considered "narcissistic abuse" at the hands of people they have been trying to trust and support.

Narcissistic abuse involves patterns of behaviors aimed at control, manipulation, and diminishment of another person. This type of abuse targets what is at the very core of a person– identity, sense of reality, and self-worth. Following are some examples of how it might be present:

• Psychological manipulation - behaviors such as gaslighting, projection, and selective attention
• Emotional exploitation - includes "love bombing" (e.g., showering with affection and positive attention); cycles of idealization and devaluation; "stonewalling", "ghosting", or withholding affection as punishment
• Control mechanisms - isolation from support networks, financial restrictions, monitoring and surveillance
• Identity erosion - criticizing one's character or core personality traits; questioning, dismissing, or mocking values; undermining one's confidence
• Boundary violations - consistently disregarding boundaries – even those that have been explicitly stated and/or repeated

This type of abuse targets what is at the very core of a person– identity, sense of reality, and self-worth.

What makes narcissistic abuse particularly devastating is its insidious nature. Like other forms of psychological abuse, it often begins subtly, with behaviors that might even seem like intense love or concern. Over time, these behaviors escalate and entangle themselves with (likely) genuine (and possibly fleeting) moments of warmth, creating a complex web that can be difficult to recognize from within.

The Neurobiology of Narcissistic Abuse

Recent research has illuminated how narcissistic abuse affects the brain and nervous system. The constant state of vigilance and unpredictability experienced by the target creates a response similar to that seen in other forms of psychological trauma. The brain's threat detection system becomes hyperactive, while executive function– responsible for decision-making and critical thinking– becomes compromised.

This neurobiological impact helps explain why leaving such relationships is rarely as simple as "just walking away." Additionally, the trauma bond that forms creates powerful biochemical attachments that can mimic addiction patterns in the brain, making separation physically and emotionally challenging.

Recognizing the Signs: When the Lovebombs Start Exploding

One of the most challenging aspects of narcissistic abuse is its ability to disguise itself as care, concern, or even love. This smokescreen makes identification difficult, not only for the person experiencing the abuse, but also for those in their support systems. If you are concerned that you or someone you love is getting lost in an unhealthy relational dynamic, there are some behaviors and mental shifts you can watch for.

Common Patterns That May Indicate Narcissistic Abuse

• The Disappearing Self: gradually abandoning interests, hobbies, opinions, and relationships of which the narcissistic person disapproves
• Walking on Eggshells: adjusting behavior, communication, and even thoughts to avoid triggering unpredictable negative reactions
• Reality Questioning: frequently doubting one's own perceptions, memories, or feelings after interactions with the narcissistic person
• Emotional Whiplash: experiencing dramatic shifts between feeling special and worthless based on the narcissistic person's behavior or temperament
• The Explanation Treadmill: constantly explaining oneself while never feeling heard or understood
• Permission-Seeking Behavior: developing the habit of seeking approval before making basic decisions or taking action

Keep in mind that these patterns can emerge across various relationship contexts– romantic partnerships, parent-child dynamics, friendships, and professional relationships. Despite the varying natures of each relationship, what they have in common are the gradual erosion of the target's autonomy and the installation of the narcissistic person as the authority on reality and worth.

Holding Culture Accountable

Narcissistic abuse doesn't occur in a vacuum. Just as with other forms of psychological abuse, cultural narratives and expectations around relationships, success, and communication can sometimes enable or normalize narcissistic behaviors. Understanding these factors is essential for awareness, advocacy, and recovery.

Cultural Factors That Can Mask Narcissistic Abuse

• A heavy focus on achievement, which may normalize manipulative and exploitative behaviors in the pursuit of success
• Traditional relationship models that sometimes romanticize control, jealousy, and refusals to respect boundaries as expressions of love
• Communication styles that discourage boundary-setting or direct confrontation, especially from women and children
• Digital environments that provide new avenues for monitoring, control, and manipulation

The above is obviously not an exhaustive list, and the impact can vary markedly across different communities and demographics. For instance, collectivist cultures may have different thresholds for labeling control as inappropriate, while marginalized groups have often been conditioned to adjust behavior and communication to meet majority standards– facing additional barriers to having their experiences validated and addressed.

This diversity of experience underscores the importance of culturally-responsive approaches to both identifying and healing from narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse in the Digital Age

Technology has transformed how narcissistic abuse manifests, creating both new vulnerabilities and new opportunities for awareness and support:

• Digital Monitoring: tracking through apps, shared passwords, or monitoring software
• Online Reputation Management or Damage: using social media to control and skew narratives about the relationship or individual
• Tech-Facilitated Gaslighting: manipulating digital evidence to distort reality (e.g., deleting messages, editing photos)
• Virtual Boundary Violations: persistent contact through multiple platforms despite "blocking" or requests to stop communication
• Identity Exploitation: creating fake profiles to gather information or test loyalty

These digital dimensions add complexity to both the experience of abuse and the recovery process. However, technology also provides unprecedented access to information, validation, and community for survivors— resources that were largely unavailable to previous generations.

Toward Healing

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not linear or time-limited, nor is it identical for everyone. The journey is deeply personal and influenced by several factors, including how long the abuse lasted, how intense it was, the target's strengths and resilience factors before the abuse happened, available support systems, and individual processing styles.

Common Elements in the Recovery Process

While each person's path is unique, common areas of focus that are often beneficial for survivors along the way include:

• Safety and Stabilization: establishment of physical and emotional safety as the foundation of recovery
• Validation and Reality Confirmation: processing experiences in a supportive environment that affirms one's lived experiences
• Grief Work: acknowledging and accepting losses of time, opportunities, self-concept, and significant relationships–including the relationship with the narcissistic person
• Identity Reclamation: rediscovering personal values, preferences, interests and strengths that may have been suppressed
• Boundary Development: learning to identify, communicate, and maintain healthy boundaries
• Future Orientation: building capacity to trust Self and others again and to create meaningful connections

Even with these elements in place as mile markers, recovery may not align with sequential, time-specific phases. There might be periods of steady progress. And there could be occasional returns to maladaptive thought and behavior patterns during times of high stress or when triggered by reminders of the abuse.

Ultimately, it is about moving beyond survivorship to reclaim authority over one's own life and authorship of one's own story. You can acknowledge the real experiences of abuse without allowing them to define your identity or future. You may even develop new insights, strengths, and capacities you might not have tapped into otherwise– a great example of what we mean by "resilience".

Choosing Professional Support

Awareness is the essential starting point for recovery; reached soon enough and coupled with familial or community support, it is enough for many survivors to start mapping out their journeys. Those who had longer or more intense experiences or who have had multiple interpersonal traumas might find that they need specialized support. In these cases, working with a therapist focused on their unique experiences can offer meaningful benefits.

Person-centered therapy can provide corrective relational experiences— where thoughts and feelings are validated rather than twisted and weaponized. Trauma-informed approaches address the neurobiological impacts, while cognitive-behavioral techniques help identify and reshape distorted beliefs installed during the abusive relationship.

When choosing a therapist, pay attention to how the connection (we call this "therapeutic rapport") feels. Having a psychologically-safe space where you can speak freely without fear of judgment or manipulation is invaluable.

Beyond a Day of Observance

Real and meaningful change requires commitment and ongoing action. Is it too much to hold a communal expectation of kind, respectful behavior that honors others' dignity? Is it too much to hold others accountable when we do have awareness and when we witness such an expectation going unmet?

Is it too much to hold a communal expectation of kind, respectful behavior that honors others' dignity?

If you have read this far into the post, I think my assumption that you would say an emphatic no is correct. Here are some ways we can set that expectation beyond June 1st:

Education and Advocacy

• Share accurate, detailed information about narcissistic abuse; facilitate nuanced discussion that discourages stereotyping or oversimplification.
• Support organizations working to increase knowledge of and access to trauma-informed mental health care.
• Advocate for policies that call out forms of psychological abuse and address its impacts across a variety of settings.

Community Building

• Create or participate in spaces where survivors can connect safely.
• Develop supportive environments that prioritize listening and validation over advice-giving.
• Recognize and highlight the diversity of abuse experiences across different relationships and contexts.

Personal Growth and Recovery

• Invest in your own healing journey, recognizing that self-care is an essential, personal responsibility.
• Develop your skills at recognizing early warning signs of unhealthy dynamics. And trust yourself when you start to see them.
• Practice self-compassion. Your vulnerabilities may have been exploited in the past, but you can now build resilience with the wisdom you take from those experiences.

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day has been a catalyst and has become an annual shoutout to the essentiality of psychological safety in interpersonal relationships. I might like to see WNAAD 2026 printed on wall calendars and digital calendars just like other (inter)national observances. But I'd love to see a day when we no longer need to observe it at all. Until then, let's keep on the path toward healing and change– whether walking, running, or even stumbling and doubling back at times.

Are you considering professional support for your recovery process? Do you live in the states of Louisiana, Texas, or Washington?